Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
