I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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