I think my fart just growled at me.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
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