dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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