Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Randomize
