I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
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