Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Randomize
