Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
This is the prime rib incident all over again
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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