I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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