You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
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