YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Boobs speak an international language.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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