i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
