I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Randomize
