I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
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