once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
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I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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