I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
i am craving dick and cupcakes
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
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