I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
not ubering you a puppy
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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