By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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