Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Randomize
