I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Randomize
