this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
