you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
