who cares. he's ugly and has a dick this big -->
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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