i wouldnt be suprised if in indian your name meant "walking lie"
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Naked Twister starts at high noon
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
