i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
