I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
Error 1684C: You're last text was undeeliverable. Subscriber is our to the aera.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
Randomize
