clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
