MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
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