i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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