I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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