I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
