The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
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