Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
