how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
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