You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Randomize
