Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Randomize
