The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Randomize
