i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
