Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
you only had a canadian ten, but you said it was all good cuz you would just by molson.
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
