We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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