Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize