Umm I'm too high to move.
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Randomize
