I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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