My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
Randomize