You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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