i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
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