dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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