What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
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