I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
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