I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Randomize
