I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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